Why We Sabotage the Things We Want Most

It’s one of the most confusing experiences we can have—watching ourselves turn away from the very things we deeply long for. The love. The success. The peace. The dream we’ve carried quietly for years. Sometimes, we get close, and then… we pull back. We miss the call, say the wrong thing, procrastinate, or push it away altogether.

It looks like self-sabotage. And in many ways, it is. But underneath the surface, something more tender is usually at play: protection.

The Fear Beneath the Want

Wanting something with your whole heart can be terrifying. To want something is to admit it matters. And when something matters, the stakes rise. If it doesn't work out, the pain might feel unbearable. If it does work out, what happens next? Do we lose it? Can we hold onto it? Will it change us?

Sometimes, it feels safer not to find out. So we keep a little distance between ourselves and the thing we want most. That way, if it doesn’t happen, we can say, “Well, I wasn’t really trying.” It’s a quiet kind of shield.

Old Patterns, New Situations

Self-sabotage often isn’t a conscious choice—it’s a learned pattern. Many of us grew up having to suppress our wants. Maybe we learned that asking for too much made people uncomfortable. Maybe we reached for love and were met with rejection. Over time, wanting became associated with danger.

So as adults, when something good finally comes along, a part of us panics. Not because we don’t want it—but because we’ve been conditioned to expect that wanting leads to hurt.

This isn’t a flaw. It’s a form of emotional survival.

The Truth About Readiness

One of the hardest things to accept is that sometimes we’re not sabotaging because we’re weak or unworthy—we’re sabotaging because a part of us doesn’t feel safe enough yet. And healing isn’t about bulldozing through that fear. It’s about noticing it with compassion. Meeting it with curiosity instead of shame.

You’re not “messed up” for pushing something good away. You’re protecting yourself the only way you know how. The work isn’t to fight that part of you—it’s to gently help it understand that you’re not living in the past anymore. That it’s safe to want. Safe to hope. Safe to try.

Moving Toward What You Want

Healing the pattern of self-sabotage isn’t about fixing yourself. It’s about becoming more aware of the old fears driving your behavior—and making room for new choices.

Start small. Notice when you feel yourself pulling back from something meaningful. Pause and ask: What part of me is afraid right now? What does it need to feel safer?

The more you meet yourself with kindness in those moments, the more trust you build with your inner world. And over time, the more capacity you’ll have to stay with the things you want… even when they feel big.

You are allowed to want what you want. And you’re allowed to take your time getting there.

Oasis Wellness Therapy Services is a telehealth-based mental health practice offering virtual therapy sessions from the comfort of your home. We accept insurance and are currently serving residents of New Mexico.

📞 Call 505-400-0978 to schedule your appointment.